Morning Glory

Every day I get caught up in the moment, which is great? Right? I mean didn't Confucius say, "live in the now" "there is no time but now"?? He was pretty good at dulling out advice, wasn't he? If there is no time but now then I choose to play with my son now, please.

Unfortunately, time is also money. And living in the now costs a lot of money. And living from now to now requires even more money. I decided to go back to school to pay for these moments. So we could enjoy each moment fully without worrying how we would pay for them.


After a long 8 hour day at work (5 days a week), I hussle on over to class for a long 3 hour night (3 nights a week). That's 8 to 11 whole hours without my son. These 8 to 11 hours are torture. I think of all the moments lost with my son that I will never experience. I think about the new things he is doing, the new things he is seeing, the new things he is experiencing during those hours. I wonder will he forget about me, does he think I forgot about him, does he miss me, does he think he did something wrong to make me go away, is he mad at me?  When I get home all I want to do is spend each moment possible with him. I even lay in bed with him until he falls asleep. I don't want to pay bills, or study, or clean. In the mean time these things go undone, but they don't disappear. They wait for me. They pile up, creating heavy lurking shadows of To Do's. Once he is asleep I wrestle with this shadow. I stay up too late not getting nearly enough done, and a viscous cycle begins of lost moments, unfinished responsibilities, and exhaustion.

Inevitably I lost sight of why I was doing this all to begin with. Why did I decide to be working mother? Why did I decide to go back to school? Why did I decide to acquire more debt?

I want to give my son the world..

I want to live in one of those new condos downtown for 10 years or so, then I want to buy a vintage home in crown heights (between 37th and 40th on Shartel) or Mesta Parks and retire there. I want to maybe live in Spain or San Fransico. I want to take annual family vacations all over the world. I want to have two cars that actually run properly. I want to take my son to disney world, and EuroDisney. I want to send him to a great charter school. I want to be able to afford to feed my son healthy food. I want him to be able to have as many extra curricular activities he wants. I want to send him to any college he wants. I want to spoil him. I want him to have a big swing set and playground in the backyard. I want to decorate my dream home without worrying about what other expenses we will have to cut. I want to be able to send me and my family to the doctor without putting myself in debt. I want to buy my extended family cool birthday and christmas presents. I want to be able to take my extended family to dinner whenever I want. I want to be able to live life in now with financial security. I want to give my family and friends what they want and need. I just want to give my son everything. I want to make a decent salary for a 3 person family so I can pay off my debt and live in a nice home with nice things no financial stress and the ability to provide in a way that is above and beyond. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be well off. 

Some of these things may seem superficial. Others may not seem to be worth all that I am sacrificing right now. In the end I just want to provide for my family without worrying how.